So this is why i'm single?

Don't get me wrong, if someone were to offer me a louis vuitton purse, i wouldn't throw it away. And i enjoy shopping for clothes, even though i could live without them. But i am generally annoyed at the consumerism of people. Advertising is made to pick apart all the things people hate about themselves and insist that with a certain product, happiness will be achieved. Therefore, i'm more than a little annoyed at this article, courtesy of happenmag.com, who insists i need these items as a single woman.

10 things every single girl must own
By Amy Spencer

Sure, you've got the perfect shade of lipstick and the little black dress... but is that all you need? Hardly.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself
"We all have that photo: The one where your smile, hair, and (let's be honest) bod all come together in one sexy little package"
Uh, wouldn't a person be seeing what you look like in person when they're on the date with you?

2. A pretty pair of heels
"Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. (Added bonus: The taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room.)"
Yes, that's what i want-my brother to be killed by my boyfriend.

3. An Eminem CD
"What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be."
Why would i even date a man that approves of Eminem???

4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off
"In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar."
10 things a girl can't go without-it's a wonder how "being able to speak" is one of them!

5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
"A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time."
Host yourself to a good six-pack. This should be in the refridgerator anyway

6. Bathroom reading
"What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom?"
Assuming i'm single, this man isn't my boyfriend. Therefore, i would hope he wouldn't already be taking a massive shit in my toilet. Also note the author says..."No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don't follow sports, that would just be weird)" Guess i'm weird...

7. A business card
"After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you."
It's not? Maybe that's why i have a cell phone to store things in...

8. Earplugs
"Unless — SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ! — he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand."
Ew...

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
"Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet)."
...because i can't figure it out myself?
"[But] while your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that."
Or do what you want, things will work if they're meant to. Otherwise, get over the drama!

10. A condom
"Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself."
Alright, the only useful information.


Don't worry, fellas, they have some great advice for you too

10 things every single man must own
By Matt Schneiderman

Want to impress the ladies with your great taste in home décor and more? Skip the leather couch and silk boxers and buy these bachelor essentials.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker
"Any girl who’s at your place for dinner (or lounging in your bed come morning) deserves a classier send-off than “see ya,”"
It's true, i'll never go on a second date with you if you don't make me awesome coffee the next morning.

2. A lamp in your bedroom
"Now, all of you, go out and buy a bedside lamp with a fabric shade. This...is not lost on women, who not only see it as a sign of your civility...she’ll also feel much more comfortable under its softer, more forgiving glow."
Are you saying my body is so bad it needs forgiven? If you can't do me under the lights-don't do me at all!

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths
"For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance."
Clean, it's that simple

4. A comfortable couch
"Repeat after me: You do not need a black leather couch. Skip the cliché and pick out a plush upholstered sofa"
A big couch means a big...

5. Nice underwear
"The following selections will make her recoil: Tighty whities; underwear featuring cartoon characters, or anything that resembles what a woman would wear...Splurge on at least two weeks' worth and throw out the others, lest you’re tempted to don a ratty pair and put off doing laundry—you never know when opportunity will strike."
Again, be clean, it's that simple

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything
"Sure, your power-tool collection is outstanding—but it'll do you no good sitting in your closet when your date's sunglasses come apart at the restaurant...You’ll be amazed how indispensable it (and you, by extension) will become to her."
I'll think you're smarter if you can McGuyver that shit from tape and rope.

7. $150+ jeans
"Why cough up that much dough when you can find a seemingly-fine pair for much less? Because designer denim does make a difference—and you can wear them everywhere from a dive bar to a five-star restaurant"
How about you save the money and take me out to dinner?

8. $200+ dress shoes
"Accept it: Girls are into footwear, and your feet will be one of the first things she looks at."
Good shoes don't have to cost $200. The end.

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets
"Let’s face it: You (and hopefully your date) will be spending a lot of quality time here. So skip the scratchy polyester blends and splurge on some 100-percent Egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count of 300...anything that might keep her in bed longer is worth the expense, right?"
Riiiight...Where are these men that spend 150 on jeans, 200 on shoes, and 125 on sheets? At some yuppy bar finding dates who are only interested in material things.

10. The Joy of Cooking
"Few things are sexier than a guy who can cook"
Few things are sexier than justin theroux, cooking, naked. In fact, nothing's sexier. So don't try...