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Monday, June 08, 2009

to be single or not to be

i've been pretty sad lately. can't tell if it's 1. the job i can't stand, but can't quit, because the economy is terrible. 2. friends who i'd like to count on but who make relationships their priority. no, not priority-their life. so i can count on, well, fingers-maybe about 2 or 3 fingers, who i can rely on and have a good time with at this point in my life. 3. my constant search for a city where i enjoy myself and finally feel where i belong.

i'm gonna go with number 2 in this case, just because my coworker and i were talking about it today. i like to think of myself as an open-minded person, and if i'm being judgemental about something, or i dont understand someone else's perspective-i work damn hard to better myself and understand it. well my friend, my engaged friend, brought up to me the point that i get so upset at my married or relationship friends who just enjoy their time with their significant other and spend very little time with me. that as a single person, i go out to fill some void in my life and constantly find something that i don't have. when you have someone at home that you love and enjoy, you'd much rather be at home enjoying their company. going out is alright-but you want their company all to yourself and don't want to split your time with them at all.

i thought about it. i thought back to my relationships. and yes, i did want to spend a lot of time at home watching movies. or pass on a crazy night out because i was completely content falling asleep next to my man with law and order playing in the background. i'm the first one to say i'm most comfortable around guys i've been with because they know my intimate ins and outs, and i know theirs, and the comfort of being that relaxed and not having to judge them is a freedom that i just can't experience with my friends. so needless to say, i started to feel really bad that i even get mad at my relationship friends for ditching me.

but is it comfort? or content? i remembered the times in my relationships when i still met sarah at open bar, or i went to sami's house parties. or i went to the bar without chade the spade. i'd still have my faggy girl nights while watching sappy movies, and i'd still call up my sister to see what was going on in her life. all in all, i dont go out to fill a void in my life, unless that void is called 'having a good time.' sometimes i go out to hook up and sometimes i grab a beer because it's been a bad day at work. but most of the time i go out with my friends because they make me happy, they make me laugh, and they help complete my life. so someone correct me if i'm wrong, but that's still possible even when you're in love. there are still movies, or dinners, or phonecalls. if you sit around in this bubble of relationship-ness, how do you expand your mind? or grow as a person? getting to know the love of your life is an amazing feeling, but there's more to life-there are other people and other personalities in this world that will make you grow into a more sensitive and interesting person.

i guess my priority to costantly learn from different settings and different people differ from the priority of people who don't really care about that.

sad to say-i'd just like to meet some close friends who can be my relationship. peolpe i can count on, stay home with, be there for me, and don't dump me when something new comes along. maybe that will be a man-the most interesting man i've ever met and i will never have to leave the house. i hope not.


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