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Thursday, June 17, 2010

giving up

i gave up on my shoe-a-day blogging. mainly because i bought the $200 jeffrey campbell wedges, but also because i've been going through a rough time. as for the wedges, they're amazing and comfortable and i've only fallen twice. now if i could only remember the 50 outfits i thought up in my head in order to justify me buying them...
as for the rough time, i've been broken up with. i'm completely broken hearted and anxious and confused and sad and angry all at the same time. turns out it's doing wonders for weightloss-i can't eat or sleep so i've dropped a few pounds :)
i keep thinking over and over about what happened and what i did wrong and why i wasn't good enough or worth working on. i come up with all these reasons that are my fault. if i hadn't yelled at him for not saying the right thing here, or if i'd have shut my mouth when a certain something bothered me, or if i'd have just ignored something he said that i took as a putdown...then maybe everything would be ok and we'd be together.
i was reading frank turner and tim barry lyrics (maybe not the best thing to do when you're sad), and one of my favorites quotes to take away was 'truth is hard, guilt is easy'

is it easier for me to blame myself that i pushed him away, rather than accept that maybe he just doesn't love me anymore? is it easier for me to blame myself that if i hadn't brought something up, then we'd be together right now?
is it easier to blame him for not 'learning to fight' and 'learning to drink together' and 'learning how to compromise' than admit that i didn't learn them either? is it easier to be so angry at him for ending this than admit the truth that we just didn't work together?
anything is easier to think right now than the reality of not being with him anymore. this sucks...


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