V-Day Monologues

I don't hate Valentine's Day, probably because I've had an awesome Valentine most years i can remember. But, i did find this pretty funny and can think of someone I'd want to give them to.

Things you won't see on Hallmark cards:
OUTSIDE:
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE:
If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE:
I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE:
Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE:
Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

OUTSIDE:
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE:
After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE:
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE:
I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

OUTSIDE:
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder:
INSIDE:
What the f___k was I thinking?

OUTSIDE:
I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE:
And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE:
Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE:
Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE:
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE:
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE:
The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE:
Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE:
We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE:
let's say we call it quits.

OUTSIDE:
I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE:
it's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE:
If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE:
buy a dog.

OUTSIDE:
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE:
Did you ever find out who the father was?