The Missing Retainers

I just went dumpster diving. That's right-dumpster and vomit searching while Hilary stood 4 feet away looking in the other director holding up a flashlight. 4 years ago, I got real drunk, blacked out, and awoke without retainers in my mouth. Apparenlty i had thrown them in the radiator out in the dorm hall so i had to call the maintenance. The retainers are so sneaky-they're always falling off their shelf and landing behind shelves, under beds, and other hidden places.
I'm going to mention that this isn't just any kind of retainer. It's about $600, specially designed for my "fucked up jaw" syndrome. Without it, i have neck problems, severe headaches, and grind my teeth like i just had a rave night with ecstacy. I love my expensive braced teeth so much that I want to wear my retainers for the rest of my life so they continue to look good. Needless to say, it's a little worrysome when i lose them.
Last night, in my drunken stupor, I threw up and trealize this morning that (after finding my glasses on the floor and paycheck in the trashcan) my retainers were nowhere to be found. After work i looked all over the house and couldn't find them so i had to face my fear-dig through the apartment dumpster to fish out the black trashbag full of used condoms/old boots/papers/puke and look for those bitches. Well, it's probably a good thing they weren't there, so i looked around my room a little more and VOILA! Behind my box of sweaters.
My sister says next time I'm plastered I should stay far away from them. Good idea.