What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...
No but really. I wonder what the difference between loving somebody and being in love is all about. I think about it a lot every now and then, what's different between people i date that i just like? or that i love? or that i pretend or think is something different? Why does this even bother me...
Some of my friend who are my age, even older, say they've never been in love. I think that's such a shame, but why? Do i even know what it is?
I was pretty confused when Jim and I broke up. I thought, well...we were gonna get married. We spent every minute together. But now it's done. What's that mean?
Then I was even more confused when I got a new boyfriend. He seemed to be the exact opposite type of relationship from Jim and I, so did that mean I wasn't in love with him?
I've always thought there were different types of love-that's how we're able to love more than one person in our lives. But is that ok to do? Am i supposed to compare how much I felt for one person to what i feel for another person?
Maybe it's the intensity of a relationship. Jim and I would tell each other how much we meant to each other everyday, go on vacation, celebrate our monthly anniversaries. But then i compare that with Chade; We just had a completely fun, drama free relationship. That's the type of guy he was though-he never needed to be intense, we never needed pictures together or a nickname for our couple, we just had fun. I think i took that to mean i couldn't possibly be in love with him. Later, I think i convinced myself i was in love with Heroin Aaron-he told me how important i was to him and it made me feel so great. Did i mistake that for love because it seemed so intense?
Or does it have to do with some timeframe? I dated Chade knowing that it would end in 7 months. So maybe i wouldn't let myself think i was in love because i didn't want to have to give that up. I had the opportunity of forever with Jim.
Maybe in love isn't so much different than love. Maybe it's just a matter of how much you're able to connect and intertwine your lives together. When you're with somebody that you see a future with you care about how they spend their finances, what their career goals are, I was concerned with what kind of dad Jim would be and how his tattoos would look when we were 50. I never thought about that with Chad because I didn't want to care that much. I didn't want to get too upset or be too dramatic when it was a short relationship.
I had about an hour conversation with myself about this, pretty much just to plan out this blog, but by the end of it I guess i came to the conclusion that i was in love with jim. and nobody else. Maybe it was because with him it was perfect timing, maybe because since then I don't want to be in some huge relationship until i'm ready to meet my husband, maybe because I now prefer drama free, funny relationships that are all about having a good time. I'm not sure, but it made me feel a little better to be able to answer that question to myself. I have been in love. There is a difference. It's not so much better or worse than being single, it's just something to have experienced. It's been 3 years since we broke up. We're completely different people now, and I barely think about it anymore. It was a separate lifestyle I had and it was great, but what i'm doing now is great too.
posted by Ratface at 1:39 PM
1 Comments:
I can safely say I have never been in love, though how I define love may be a bit esoteric and lacking in practical ability to prove/confirm. I think I will always refer back to Orwell’s 1984 when I ask myself if I love somebody. If I were to be humiliated, starved, tortured, and stripped of my humanity for months . . . maybe years, then my torturer attached a cage containing a starved, flesh-eating rat to my head, the rodent just waiting for the door to open so it may start feasting on my nose, lips, and then slowly chewing out my eyes . . . to save myself and make it end forever I must only utter one simple sentence: “do it to them instead.” Granted the whole rat thing was the protagonist’s greatest fear so it would be necessary to substitute my own (or your own greatest horror if you are thinking this out yourself.)
I do understand that the thought processes of men and women are different, and this is an extremely androgynous way to look at it, but one or two of my relationships have ended due to my seeming obstinacy to not reciprocate the phrase “I love you” when it has been said to me. I have always followed with telling the girl how much they mean to me, and what I would actually sacrifice to ensure their wellbeing, yet that is hardly enough to solve the semantic quagmire I entered into without redirecting their meaningless utterance back to them. I say meaningless because I do not believe they would take a bullet in my stead, one that would slowly kill over many agonizing months battling gangrene and eventual massive organ failure. (I must apologise for being so graphic, but it seems necessary to convey my thoughts.)
I can only say that I have loved one person in my life, my mother. For I know that I would fight till my dying breath to shelter her from any horrors and injustices that may confront her, just as I know she would do the same for me, and I know that I would do for my eventual children and spouse. However, I guess that is something else entirely different and unrelated.
I know this whole proposition is hard to reason seeing as how many have not read Orwell, and furthermore many have not experienced torture or even interrogation resistance training (not saying that you have to go out and do that, or that it is requisite to understand where I am coming from, it just helps I guess.) In the end, all I am saying is that when I love somebody I will give my happiness, health, and ultimately my life to keep theirs intact no matter the circumstances.
hope my point of view aids you, even a tiny bit, anyway take care ashe.
12:16 PM
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