Rejection

I hope i don't feel like i have to write this blog to offer an explanation. To my family, friends, teachers, etc. I made a promise to myself years ago that I would only make my own goals, and if i didn't reach them i wouldnt feel like i was a dissapointment to everyone around me. but i can't help but be completely embarrassed that i received my 3rd rejection letter. from the school that was supposed to be my last resort.
i'm so dissapointed in myself. i know i could have done better and i know i should have spent my evenings practicing, preparing, and making reeds instead of going out with my boyfriend, working on fashion show clothing, or watching tv.
i suppose i'm most dissapointed in knowing that i didn't work hard enough because i didn't want it bad enough. i realized how much i love playing in an emsemble when my dad was driving me to the train to go my msm audition. and at that point it was too late.
i spent the whole year when i was 22 depressed that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. but at that time it's because i thought i'd grow up and regret not trying things. now that i'm almost 25, i realize my age isn't what matters. if i want to go to grad school, there is nothing holding me back from going next year, going when i'm 35...if i want it i'll do it. i'm kind of depressed now because i realize how i spent the last year making auditions a priority because i wanted a change in my life. i made going to school for music an option because it's what i'm best at, not really because it's what i most in life.
I was talking to bethany, and she said ashley, you didn't get in because there were people that were better than you. they spend every night practicing, every night improving, and i can't go around counting on my high school and college knowledge of playing to be up to their calibur. i've been out of classial culture, away from a teacher, and playing only every few months for the past 3 years. the only way i would reach the calibur of a grad student was really to practice my ass off-and i didn't.

i make a point to try to turn every situation into something positive. so instead of sulking for weeks after i completely bombed my msm audition, i sat around thinking where i should move to next and what's in store for me. If i really want to play, i need to work my ass off-and actually do it. i need to get a regular teacher. i need to make it important. but first i have to figure out if i really do wanna play.
Getting rejected certainly doesn't do anything for my confidence level as a player, but i know i'm good. And i don't want to turn 50, go to grad school, and regret that i hadn't spent the last 30 years playing and loving it. But for now, i still have one letter to receive