My apparenlty good enough for you to be reading about.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Happiness is all the rage

I read a lot of my old posts yesterday....cause i do a lot at work....a lot were about how incredibly happy i was in vegas. and then the posts when i wasnt happy. then i started to think about when i really happy last year in pittsburgh, but how now i'm not.

And i came up with these common threads:
A retail/easy/bullshit/random schedule job. It didn't mean a lot of money, but i had time off to do my own thing, there was not a lot of stress, and i met a lot of people my own age.
A few very close friends that were so happy i was new to the city, that we dedicated our time and energy to each other.
A newness to the city and an excitement to discover so much about it.
Warm weather.

I think that's all i came up with. I'll dissect the job thing later, but for now, i feel like going into my single life. There were many posts about how i met a new, cute guy. But he was a drug addict. Or irresponsible. Or an alocoholic-whatever, you name it, it was vegas. But then i met paul and really settled down. It wasn't better or worse-it was just my life. I've tried to stay single the whole time i've been here (Tried, i know my sister's laughing. hey-i have been on a few dates!), because i feel like it helps me grow as a person, and i feel like i discover the city more when i'm on my own.
But when i first moved here, i realized something was different. maybe it's the east coast guys. Or maybe it's guys that are actually older than me-but really, here's to all of you: wtf???
I'm single and ready to mingle. That means some night i might like to go home and have a one night stand. That means some night, after a couple of months or years of friendship, we might drunkenly hookup. Whatever the case may be, i'm not trying to 'boyfriend you' 'marry you' or even try to 'hookup with you' again! Maybe i accept that we aren't fit for each other, and i just want to hang out and make new friends in a new city!
Every guy i met and hooked up with last summer, completely disregarded me as a person when i saw them out. Barely a hello, and certainly not a 'hi how are you? how have you been?' i get it, we did it on the first date-im not the girl you take home to your mother. well guess what? you're not the guy i want to take home to my mother either! I want to have friends and i want to be around people who i enjoy the company of. But all of you guys just aren't having it.

So i changed my outlook. after 2 attempts at hanging out with a guy and no response on his end-number is deleted. if i see you out, a head nod is good enough. i dont have time to waste on men or on friends like that. But as i read my blog yesterday, i realized i met more people and i learned about myself when i gave people a chance.

So i decided to try my old way again last night. After not hearing the response i wanted, i could have closed my phone and deleted the number for good. but i thought 'hey, i need friends' so i kept chatting and ended on a good note (even if that note isn't us hanging out). As im telling hilary this, she reminds me that guys who hookup right away were never looking for a friend in the first place. They dont want to hang out again, because if they wanted to be friends-they never would have made it just about hooking up. i tried to deny, and counted on one hand the guys i know that have been able to do that-and decided to partly agree with her. She also said if a 'friend' is worth that much trouble to convince to go out, they aren't worth friend time at all. So as much as i'd like to keep giving this new way a chance-damn is it annoying. maybe i will agree with her and go back to my old way.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


i'm not one to complain.

well that might be a lie-but at least i call it venting.

i am one to say if you hate your life, do something to change it though. but really?

i just put $900 in my car, after paying it off 2 months ago, and the gears started slipping as i pulled away from the mechanic's garage.
i feel like i have lost my best friend of 4 years and that i'll never meet someone like that again in my life
my 'vacation' was supposed to be a blast and a good time, but it turned into a babysitting trip of my drunk friend who misplaced my chi hair straightener, a fight with my ex boyfriend who ditched me for a new girl, and cold weather
i dont think i've ever lived somewhere where people talk about each other and gossip about friends as much as here
my credit card company pretends that i dont pay my bill every month and wants to charge me $40 for that
i dont like my job. at all. but i realize unemployment will not pay my bills and there's not much else available right now in pittsburgh
i dont like my hair right now at all
im looking forward to starting my business, but have been such a perfectionist about it that i think i'm a bad photographer and no one will enjoy the pictures
i can't decide if dating a guy that's been nicer to me than anything other guy i've ever met is a good idea or not. i think being by myself is a better choice-why?
and i hate complaining

haha full circle there. oh well. at least i have a company to start. and my mom has actually been really awesome lately-and my family in general! and i have a place to live with a best friend roommate. and it's summer.

whatever...'blog venting'

Monday, June 08, 2009

to be single or not to be

i've been pretty sad lately. can't tell if it's 1. the job i can't stand, but can't quit, because the economy is terrible. 2. friends who i'd like to count on but who make relationships their priority. no, not priority-their life. so i can count on, well, fingers-maybe about 2 or 3 fingers, who i can rely on and have a good time with at this point in my life. 3. my constant search for a city where i enjoy myself and finally feel where i belong.

i'm gonna go with number 2 in this case, just because my coworker and i were talking about it today. i like to think of myself as an open-minded person, and if i'm being judgemental about something, or i dont understand someone else's perspective-i work damn hard to better myself and understand it. well my friend, my engaged friend, brought up to me the point that i get so upset at my married or relationship friends who just enjoy their time with their significant other and spend very little time with me. that as a single person, i go out to fill some void in my life and constantly find something that i don't have. when you have someone at home that you love and enjoy, you'd much rather be at home enjoying their company. going out is alright-but you want their company all to yourself and don't want to split your time with them at all.

i thought about it. i thought back to my relationships. and yes, i did want to spend a lot of time at home watching movies. or pass on a crazy night out because i was completely content falling asleep next to my man with law and order playing in the background. i'm the first one to say i'm most comfortable around guys i've been with because they know my intimate ins and outs, and i know theirs, and the comfort of being that relaxed and not having to judge them is a freedom that i just can't experience with my friends. so needless to say, i started to feel really bad that i even get mad at my relationship friends for ditching me.

but is it comfort? or content? i remembered the times in my relationships when i still met sarah at open bar, or i went to sami's house parties. or i went to the bar without chade the spade. i'd still have my faggy girl nights while watching sappy movies, and i'd still call up my sister to see what was going on in her life. all in all, i dont go out to fill a void in my life, unless that void is called 'having a good time.' sometimes i go out to hook up and sometimes i grab a beer because it's been a bad day at work. but most of the time i go out with my friends because they make me happy, they make me laugh, and they help complete my life. so someone correct me if i'm wrong, but that's still possible even when you're in love. there are still movies, or dinners, or phonecalls. if you sit around in this bubble of relationship-ness, how do you expand your mind? or grow as a person? getting to know the love of your life is an amazing feeling, but there's more to life-there are other people and other personalities in this world that will make you grow into a more sensitive and interesting person.

i guess my priority to costantly learn from different settings and different people differ from the priority of people who don't really care about that.

sad to say-i'd just like to meet some close friends who can be my relationship. peolpe i can count on, stay home with, be there for me, and don't dump me when something new comes along. maybe that will be a man-the most interesting man i've ever met and i will never have to leave the house. i hope not.