Not the right type

I went to one of Vegas's popular nightclubs, Pure, the other night, with my cute, asian friend Candy. So here i am with weird colored hair, a nose ring, and something pretty and stylish but unique, and i'm standing beside the kind of girl every guy there likes. We both go and dance next to these high rollers hoping they'll hook us up with some drinks (because my plastic cup of cranberry and vodka was $10) and they put a glass in her hand. She looks at them and looks at me and decides to give it back because they couldn't be bothered to hook me up as well. I don't expect to be hit on at places like this, and likewise I'm not very attracted to the Gotti look alikes or Steves, but it does feel a little weird looking at hundreds of extremely beautiful people and realizing pretty much no one in the room considers me one. Even the faux-hawked, black and pink outfitted hardcore fakes don't like me. They're hanging on the arms of what I like to call "punk rock Stephanies"-girls with long blonde hair (and maybe a black streak!) and maybe one little tattoo and lip piercing. The ones who probably listen to Hawthorne Heights instead of the Dwarves.
Oh well, I do prefer dive bars, and I don't really go out looking for men. I just want to have a good time and I guess I have to realize going out clubbing means just dancing with my girlfriend.

Against Me

So I've realized something about myself, something that I do. After letting my friends throw and spill ice cream all over me just to laugh and take pictures and after telling everybody my embarassing stories such as burning my forehead with soup, I've noticed that I make fun of myself for the sheer enjoyment of others. Maybe it's because I like to laugh a lot and I'd rather have people laughing with me instead of laughing at me, or maybe it's because making fun of other people to their face could result in a bad situation. Either way, when I thought about how much I do this, I think it's kind of weird. But I have high self esteem and don't get offended when people laugh at me, so I guess it's not a problem.

There's other jobs in the sea.

I wish I could treat getting dumped by a boy the same way I take getting dumped by a job. I went for two "interviews" in the past two days and this is what happened:
After being weirded out at almost everything that has to do with Make it or Break it, I was offered a position as a VJ/Editor/Producer trainee for 30 unpaid days. I thought about it and realized the skills and programs I would learn could be very beneficial and told them yes. But, apparenlty 3 days a week are not enough to dedicate. They'd prefer people who can somehow manage to spend 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, unpaid, and continue to live and function in their lives. I've done 2 internships now in my life, and although they were fun and interesting, they've really gotten me nowhere. So I was totally ditched from these guys-but oh well. Good luck to them to find another white, funky, fun girl who's had VJ and studio experience who's willing to spend that time. Their loss.

I was stopped a week ago and asked if I did any modeling or acting experience. Aside from high school, I told her no. So she gave me a card and today I went into the Tru Talent Management office. I delivered quit the monologue (while realizing how much I miss acting) and she was quite impressed. She also told me starting costs were $1700 and then I'd be getting auditions and all that jazz. Ok, so these guys didn't ditch me-but the sheer amount of money pretty much ditched me.

I really love and appreciate these opportunities. I would absolutely love to do them, but money is the huge problem. It sucks that this "business" isn't like accounting or computer programming-you have to start out as low as possible and spend all your money. What really sucks is that I've already done this twice. When do I get to advance? So I'll be mad about it for maybe a week and maybe when someone brings it up. But i keep thinking, there are many more possibilities right around the corner. If i didn't get the job, I obviously wasn't meant to do it in my life. Why can't I say and except those reasons when boys don't like me?

Sex, Drugs, and the Oboe!

I can't wait to order this and read. it

Is giving in giving up?

Todd and i were having a drunken girl talk last night and we were discussing how do you really know you like somebody and when are you just masking some other excuse for it? For example, when i find a boy and fawn over him, is it because he's really great or because i'm lonely and hardly have any other friends? is he the one or have i been ditched so many times lately that the first person to pay attention to me seems perfect? do i just feel bad because he really likes me and i should really give it a chance?
I'm sure there's been a number of times when I've liked a boy for all the wrong reasons and not because there's an actual connection, but when i think about all the boys in the past, there's only about 3 or 4 that really stick out in my mind. The ones i thought i made an excuse for at the time are the ones i still think about and are still a part of me. They must be the only ones i did have a real connection with.

I've only had two boyfriends, but I've dated a few more than that. I've realized what i like and what i really don't like in a person and in a relationship. I've also come to the realization that no one is perfect and you have to accept some things even if you don't like it. But how much are you supposed to accept before it turns out you're really just dating this person who isn't at all your type or what you want? Am i supposed to deal with a little bit of drugs because he's really funny and cute? Do i accept him never paying for a drink or taking me out to dinner because he really makes me feel good? Finding a good connection and feeling with somebody is very hard for me, so when i find it do i just deal with his shitty side? Or am i supposed to give up that rare connection because there's a few uncommon things between us?

Oboe Lesson

So I had my oboe lesson today with the principal of the Las Vegas Symphony, the teacher at UNLV, the expert who has written articles for International Double Reed Society, and the man who has a CD out. Okay, so non-oboe players don't really care about this stuff-but anyway, after $75, I was very pleased with the techniques he taught me that I wasn't aware of before. He's trained in how to position the body and hands correctly to avoid tendinidous, sore necks, sore backs...pretty much everything. So he told me to sit a little more relaxed. He also talked a lot about breathing-how the diaphragm, lungs, ribcage, and spine all work while breathing so to think of lifting up when i run out of breath. And, because I severely blow at tongueing, he talked about how the tongue muscle moves when it hits the reed and how to make different articulations with it. I was pleased and gained a lot of knowledge from the experience. I only played a small excerpt from Tchaik IV and a part from La Scala di Seita.
Lessons after college are kind of weird to me. I guess if you're a professional musician or if you're preparing for a recital, it would make more sense. But I don't do either of those things-I'm hoping I will get back into it this year, and if i do start to play with some ensembles, i will need him for advice and help. It was definitely interesting and helpful to get new techniques, but i still left feeling a bit weird. I've only taken one other lesson after college and that man offered me a full ride to graduate school. My previous teachers used to tell me how good of a student I was and that I sounded terrific. Perhaps it's that I don't know him on a personal level yet, but it felt like: ok, you played, i told you some things, goodbye. There was no 'you really sound great', or invite into the school's program. Maybe I'm just spoiled from a family that thinks i'm good, and i'm too used to being a big fish in a little pond at my old school. I should be happy things went well, that I finally got to play for someone, and that I can improve. And i am.

Gettin on the wagon!

I've got a new job in promotion and I'm going to meet the important entertainment people here in Las Vegas, I've got an oboe lesson with the principal of the Las Vegas Symphony tomorrow, and I'm going to start asking the music stores if they need any oboe teachers in the area. I'm feeling real good about this.

I've also been thinking: Why is it that there's probably only a handful of people in this world that you will get along with on almost every level: in my case-they're absolutely hilarious, they love the same things i do, they have fun being absolutely rediculous and random, and the hardest one-i'm totally comfortable around them. I've only met an amount of them I could count on my two hands, and most of them are still my bestest friends. But it confuses me when I meet that kind of person and they don't find that connection as amazing. I guess because I believe in fate/destiny/that people are meant to meet one another and to do certain things, I'm left thinking that I'm supposed to meet a few friends in this lifetime that I really like and get along with. But I find those super rare ones and I guess they're not looking for me.
Also, I think i'm a pretty good looking girl. And i'm smart, and i'm funny, and i try real hard to be a really good person. Is it possible I'm not as great as I think i am? haha. No one else seems to really care about it.

Celebreality II

One of fantasy girls came into the store the other day. I think the one with the painted tattoos. Too bad blogger won't let you see her. I love when Adam calls me to tell me about his celebrity sightings in NYC as well.

Out with the old, in with the new

I'm a pretty nostalgic person. I love thinking about good times and great situations and remembering how awesome they were. When these good times happen on vacation, a one night stand, or something else very semi-permanent, it's so easy to look back and enjoy them. It's so easy because you know you've got something to come back to even better. But what happens when what you've got nothing to come back to? Friends, boys i like, and the places i hang out just aren't part of my routine anymore. Someone's moved, or most likely, somebody's changed.
If I go back to college it isn't nearly as fun because not everyone is there, or they might be too busy with their boyfriends. If i go back home, almost everyone has moved on and i only have one or two friends.
But when I'm home and haven't gone anywhere or done anything and things suddenly seem different, it's weird. Maybe it weirds me out because I've never had to deal with starting over twice. I moved out of Hanover right away leaving no time for me to cry over gone friends. I graduated and moved away from college while the rest of them were still there. When my sister left Baltimore, I was out to a new city too. I've never had to recreate my starting situation and make new friends and discover new things in a place where I had all those just the day before. It just feels weird, having to start over a second time when I've just begun.

Independent Gal

When I first moved out here, my friends were confused about which boy I would be talking to on the phone. They wondered which east coast one would be visiting me first. Then I even started to add boys here to the list of people I liked.
Well, as my 3000-miles-away-beaus and i have been severing ties and as I've started to realize the boys here are far from my dream men, I am finally at a single, independent, happy state. Sure, I still have some boys on the back burner, and of course I still get excited to get a call from a boy to hang out. But for now, i don't want to deal with boy drama, feeling inadequate, and thinking about someone else besides myself. I think Todd and Hilary will be proud.