TV on the Radio

Wow,
The idea of posting all of my emotions was so much more necessary before i came home, crawled into my comfortable bed, and turned on the tv to calm me down. Is that wrong? I thought of the longest and most intricate post which would get out all of my feelings on the walk home from the bar. Does alcohol bring out necessary emotions? Does TV just calm me down? Not sure.

I forget I have this sometimes

I was looking at a fellow Blogger's site and thought, damn, I have to link to this to leave a comment? Allrrriiigghhttt. Might as well make my most current post less "i hate life because i'm sad" and more "life's going pretty well."

I'm an independent and positive person and it takes a lot to bring me down and a lot to get me unmotivated, so I've decided I need more Ashley time. That's hard to do when I'm out 4 nights a week taking pictures for yinzerparty, or running around trying to enjoy all the restaurants of Pittsburgh with good friends, or handling work events. But I need it: Ashley time.

It took a few new dates for me to realize how I lose a bit of myself depending on my company. There's definitely a strength in being able to adapt oneself to a certain situation, but I think that strength turns into a bad thing when you've changed your best assets. I'm loud, I'm crass, I like to drink, I like to talk about "inappropriate" subjects, I like to eat junk food, I like to meet new people, and I like to laugh...a lot. Sometimes I hide 1 or 2 of those qualities because I don't know if the person I'm with can handle it or wants to see it. Then after a few dates I realize, hey I'm not myself.

After taking a step back and realizing that's what I did in my last relationship, I now know that someone either has to take all of me or none of me. It's no one's fault but mine; if I'm not comfortable being all that I am, either ask what's up or walk away. This Ashley time is to figure out who I am again and be comfortable with that again so that other people can feel comfortable with it.

giving up

i gave up on my shoe-a-day blogging. mainly because i bought the $200 jeffrey campbell wedges, but also because i've been going through a rough time. as for the wedges, they're amazing and comfortable and i've only fallen twice. now if i could only remember the 50 outfits i thought up in my head in order to justify me buying them...
as for the rough time, i've been broken up with. i'm completely broken hearted and anxious and confused and sad and angry all at the same time. turns out it's doing wonders for weightloss-i can't eat or sleep so i've dropped a few pounds :)
i keep thinking over and over about what happened and what i did wrong and why i wasn't good enough or worth working on. i come up with all these reasons that are my fault. if i hadn't yelled at him for not saying the right thing here, or if i'd have shut my mouth when a certain something bothered me, or if i'd have just ignored something he said that i took as a putdown...then maybe everything would be ok and we'd be together.
i was reading frank turner and tim barry lyrics (maybe not the best thing to do when you're sad), and one of my favorites quotes to take away was 'truth is hard, guilt is easy'

is it easier for me to blame myself that i pushed him away, rather than accept that maybe he just doesn't love me anymore? is it easier for me to blame myself that if i hadn't brought something up, then we'd be together right now?
is it easier to blame him for not 'learning to fight' and 'learning to drink together' and 'learning how to compromise' than admit that i didn't learn them either? is it easier to be so angry at him for ending this than admit the truth that we just didn't work together?
anything is easier to think right now than the reality of not being with him anymore. this sucks...

Week 2...still

You know what's annoying when you ask someone to take your picture? They cut you off, don't center you, or have something in the background sticking out of your head. So even though this past week I've done a good job getting through the collection of shoes I own, I've come up with no good pictures. So last night I put all the outfits together again, and voila, I'm down another 5 pairs!

I got these wedges with strawberries on them at the Mall of America. I don't particularly like them, but I needed to buy something, anything at the mall. I rarely wear them and they really hurt my feet in weird places, so I'm going to retire them. At least I had one last good run.



My favorite Miss Sixty dress! I don't even like these shoes with it, I usually sport my western boots to mix up a little rough and soft. But I wanted to try something different...so I pulled out the only pair of brown heels I have. I don't think I've ever needed to wear them more than once a year, but there's always that one suit or dress that can only go with brown.



It's not hard to wear my cowboy boots with anything, because I love them. But it's 90 degrees and it's going to stay that way for the next 3 months, so I can only wear them when there's a nice breeze outside.



Although Steve Madden steals other people's designs, his shoes are comfortable. And they often go on sale! I really love these platform booties and haven't found much they don't match.




I was soooo opposed to gladiator sandals when they first came out. But then I saw my girl, Sarah, rock them. And I thought, hey I can warm up to these! I went to my favorite ghetto/cheapo shoe store downtown and bought these puppies for less than $20. That's why both soles are cracked in half. I just avoid wearing them on rainy days

Week 2

I went to a white party to snap some shots for my website, yinzerparty.com this weekend. I wore a dress I made that I hardly ever pull out, because...it's white. I guarded my cranberry and vodka VERY closely. The best shoes that I only wear twice a year for this dress? Sequined vintage heels that go great with the lightning bolt. It's worth it to keep a pair of shoes to match only one dress in my closet...right?

The month of shoes

I work a job where I don't dress up anymore, so it was time to clear my closets of some of my least favorite outfits that were just around for work purposes. I threw away a lot of sweaters and some ill fitting dress pants. The only things I couldn't part with? My shoes. All 49 of them.
Looking at tumblr and different style blogs, I get really antsy for some new heels. I'm also pretty in love with these



But what could I possibly need another pair of heels for when I don't wear everything I own now? So my mission this month: wear every pair of shoes I own at least once.

So far this week, I've been able to pull out 4 looks.
These wedges are actually pretty comfortable. They're fun and colorful, so wearing them with something simple is easy. I wanted a chance to wear these pants though



These boots are my favorite shoes. I barley ever wear them, because shockingly, they're not too functionable. They only look good with shorty shorts or leggings. But I got a romper and some gold chains and threw em on!



I needed a pair of summer sandals. I really hate that 'let's put this annoying piece of material in between your toes' part, but oh well. The belt had little bobbles that totally matched the shoes. They look at lot less silver in person too, so the belt and shoes matched well.



My friend and I are big hot dog fans. I also have a hard time resisting cute, cheesy clothes with food on them. Hence, the hot dog slipons while at Hot Franks

Thinking, that's all.

I've been unmotivated and upset lately. Perhaps that's why my diet blog only has 2 posts...
I'm trying to figure out a career path, which is probably the original reason i started this blog. i have no idea what it is, but i'm going to do whatever keeps me happy in life until i can figure that out. the problem lately, is that i'm not even finding things to keep me happy.
my job is the pits. yes, it could be much worse! but so what? what isn't the pits is waking up, having a goal, dressing up, meeting new coworkers, and learning on this job. i'm stuck in this pro equals cons stage of this job and am not motivated to look for anything different

my website is going well. i've got a lot of people interested and i've got a lot of visitors and users. im scared it's going to get old soon. i'm not motivated to change anything and progress it. my photographs and skills are improving, and i'm extremely happy with that. my mindset going into this was to improve business skills though, and i'm doing nothing on that end.

i can remember the happiest 2 years of my life were when i let go and went with the flow and figured out problems when they came along. it's hard to live in that mindset though. when i realized i was running out of money, i was stressed. when i realized i was going nowhere in a career, i was stressed. when i realized partying everyday may be easy now, but that work when i'm 35 with a family, i was stressed.

i wish there was a way i could balance a carefree attitude where i do what i want when i want, but with knowing my boundaries. i'm too concerned about what people are thinking and why things aren't happeneing, rather than just waiting for things to happen and fall in place. what sucks is that this isn't an attitude i can work on-it's the exact opposite of that. it's giving up on my concern and stress and mainting a positive attitutde despite everything.

hannah sent me a photo blog and it had some great advice. it also hits home with my own way of thinking:
"I have always believed in the power of coincidence. Serendipity. Whatever you choose to call it. I love chance. I love taking chances. Maybe I take too many, but I believe in leaving room for happy accidents, for the “meant to be.” I believe that sometimes we get what we need in ways we could never plan.

I’m on the island. I’m sitting by the sea wall in front of the cottage on a cool, cloudy day, waiting for another ship to pass. It will come in its own time, as yesterday came when I needed it, not before. Inspiration comes, not necessarily when it is needed, but when we’re ready to receive it."


Perhaps one thing i can work to change is surrounding myself with positive attitudes and people that inspire me even if they don't know they're doing it.

Day...2

Well i got sick with the flu/a severe cold/i'm not really sure, so maybe my food problem feeling was due to the illnes.

to start again, today i ate:

oatmeal at 9am....felt fine

flavored pretzels at 11:20 am....a little bloated, but mostly felt alright

lobster/cauliflour puree soup and chopped salad 2 rolls at 1pm...felt very bloated after the soup and roll. felt like the food was just sitting on top of my stomach

Diet Blog

Sorry if you come across this blog expecting something witty....as ALL of my previous posts were...but I know have to turn this in to a 'i think i'm hypoglycemic/should watch my diet of doritos in beer/this is how i'm keeping track of it' blog.

So....DAY 1:

2 scrambled eggs @ 10:20
oatmeal @ 11:05

....feeling fine!...

cheese curls and reeses peanut butter cup @ 1:00

...feeling alright...

mashed potatoes and a bit of pork leftovers @ 3
sprite @ 3:45

...shaky, lightheaded, hot, faint, tingly...

fiber 1 bar @ 4:15

...still feeling lightheaded, nauceous...

popcorn @ 6:45

...laid down, feeling a bit better, got up and walked around...

indian mushroom/chicken/cauliflower and brown rice dinner

...neaceous, lightheaded...

mac n cheese tv dinner @ midnight

...feeling better, but ready for bed...

Happiness is all the rage

I read a lot of my old posts yesterday....cause i do a lot at work....a lot were about how incredibly happy i was in vegas. and then the posts when i wasnt happy. then i started to think about when i really happy last year in pittsburgh, but how now i'm not.

And i came up with these common threads:
A retail/easy/bullshit/random schedule job. It didn't mean a lot of money, but i had time off to do my own thing, there was not a lot of stress, and i met a lot of people my own age.
A few very close friends that were so happy i was new to the city, that we dedicated our time and energy to each other.
A newness to the city and an excitement to discover so much about it.
Warm weather.
Singleness.

I think that's all i came up with. I'll dissect the job thing later, but for now, i feel like going into my single life. There were many posts about how i met a new, cute guy. But he was a drug addict. Or irresponsible. Or an alocoholic-whatever, you name it, it was vegas. But then i met paul and really settled down. It wasn't better or worse-it was just my life. I've tried to stay single the whole time i've been here (Tried, i know my sister's laughing. hey-i have been on a few dates!), because i feel like it helps me grow as a person, and i feel like i discover the city more when i'm on my own.
But when i first moved here, i realized something was different. maybe it's the east coast guys. Or maybe it's guys that are actually older than me-but really, here's to all of you: wtf???
I'm single and ready to mingle. That means some night i might like to go home and have a one night stand. That means some night, after a couple of months or years of friendship, we might drunkenly hookup. Whatever the case may be, i'm not trying to 'boyfriend you' 'marry you' or even try to 'hookup with you' again! Maybe i accept that we aren't fit for each other, and i just want to hang out and make new friends in a new city!
Every guy i met and hooked up with last summer, completely disregarded me as a person when i saw them out. Barely a hello, and certainly not a 'hi how are you? how have you been?' i get it, we did it on the first date-im not the girl you take home to your mother. well guess what? you're not the guy i want to take home to my mother either! I want to have friends and i want to be around people who i enjoy the company of. But all of you guys just aren't having it.

So i changed my outlook. after 2 attempts at hanging out with a guy and no response on his end-number is deleted. if i see you out, a head nod is good enough. i dont have time to waste on men or on friends like that. But as i read my blog yesterday, i realized i met more people and i learned about myself when i gave people a chance.

So i decided to try my old way again last night. After not hearing the response i wanted, i could have closed my phone and deleted the number for good. but i thought 'hey, i need friends' so i kept chatting and ended on a good note (even if that note isn't us hanging out). As im telling hilary this, she reminds me that guys who hookup right away were never looking for a friend in the first place. They dont want to hang out again, because if they wanted to be friends-they never would have made it just about hooking up. i tried to deny, and counted on one hand the guys i know that have been able to do that-and decided to partly agree with her. She also said if a 'friend' is worth that much trouble to convince to go out, they aren't worth friend time at all. So as much as i'd like to keep giving this new way a chance-damn is it annoying. maybe i will agree with her and go back to my old way.

amazing

i'm not one to complain.

well that might be a lie-but at least i call it venting.

i am one to say if you hate your life, do something to change it though. but really?

i just put $900 in my car, after paying it off 2 months ago, and the gears started slipping as i pulled away from the mechanic's garage.
i feel like i have lost my best friend of 4 years and that i'll never meet someone like that again in my life
my 'vacation' was supposed to be a blast and a good time, but it turned into a babysitting trip of my drunk friend who misplaced my chi hair straightener, a fight with my ex boyfriend who ditched me for a new girl, and cold weather
i dont think i've ever lived somewhere where people talk about each other and gossip about friends as much as here
my credit card company pretends that i dont pay my bill every month and wants to charge me $40 for that
i dont like my job. at all. but i realize unemployment will not pay my bills and there's not much else available right now in pittsburgh
i dont like my hair right now at all
im looking forward to starting my business, but have been such a perfectionist about it that i think i'm a bad photographer and no one will enjoy the pictures
i can't decide if dating a guy that's been nicer to me than anything other guy i've ever met is a good idea or not. i think being by myself is a better choice-why?
and i hate complaining

haha full circle there. oh well. at least i have a company to start. and my mom has actually been really awesome lately-and my family in general! and i have a place to live with a best friend roommate. and it's summer.


whatever...'blog venting'

to be single or not to be

i've been pretty sad lately. can't tell if it's 1. the job i can't stand, but can't quit, because the economy is terrible. 2. friends who i'd like to count on but who make relationships their priority. no, not priority-their life. so i can count on, well, fingers-maybe about 2 or 3 fingers, who i can rely on and have a good time with at this point in my life. 3. my constant search for a city where i enjoy myself and finally feel where i belong.

i'm gonna go with number 2 in this case, just because my coworker and i were talking about it today. i like to think of myself as an open-minded person, and if i'm being judgemental about something, or i dont understand someone else's perspective-i work damn hard to better myself and understand it. well my friend, my engaged friend, brought up to me the point that i get so upset at my married or relationship friends who just enjoy their time with their significant other and spend very little time with me. that as a single person, i go out to fill some void in my life and constantly find something that i don't have. when you have someone at home that you love and enjoy, you'd much rather be at home enjoying their company. going out is alright-but you want their company all to yourself and don't want to split your time with them at all.

i thought about it. i thought back to my relationships. and yes, i did want to spend a lot of time at home watching movies. or pass on a crazy night out because i was completely content falling asleep next to my man with law and order playing in the background. i'm the first one to say i'm most comfortable around guys i've been with because they know my intimate ins and outs, and i know theirs, and the comfort of being that relaxed and not having to judge them is a freedom that i just can't experience with my friends. so needless to say, i started to feel really bad that i even get mad at my relationship friends for ditching me.

but is it comfort? or content? i remembered the times in my relationships when i still met sarah at open bar, or i went to sami's house parties. or i went to the bar without chade the spade. i'd still have my faggy girl nights while watching sappy movies, and i'd still call up my sister to see what was going on in her life. all in all, i dont go out to fill a void in my life, unless that void is called 'having a good time.' sometimes i go out to hook up and sometimes i grab a beer because it's been a bad day at work. but most of the time i go out with my friends because they make me happy, they make me laugh, and they help complete my life. so someone correct me if i'm wrong, but that's still possible even when you're in love. there are still movies, or dinners, or phonecalls. if you sit around in this bubble of relationship-ness, how do you expand your mind? or grow as a person? getting to know the love of your life is an amazing feeling, but there's more to life-there are other people and other personalities in this world that will make you grow into a more sensitive and interesting person.

i guess my priority to costantly learn from different settings and different people differ from the priority of people who don't really care about that.

sad to say-i'd just like to meet some close friends who can be my relationship. peolpe i can count on, stay home with, be there for me, and don't dump me when something new comes along. maybe that will be a man-the most interesting man i've ever met and i will never have to leave the house. i hope not.

it's been awhile-that's rude enough

i'm sure we've experienced all of these once in awhile, or better yet-people do some of them!

Party Poopers When you receive an invitation to a dinner or party--whether by Evite, voicemail, or casual email--RESPOND. Yeah, that’s what that little “RSVP” thing means. Everyone knows it, yet it’s amazing how many don’t respond. Even for weddings! Planning a party or event requires a lot of work, so do the host a simple favor and let them know if you're coming or not.

Nickel & Dimin’ How annoying is it when you go to dinner with four or more people, the check finally arrives, and one of your meal companions begins to divvy up the check down to the last penny? Sure, we get that Sally had a shrimp salad, and Janet had two iced teas, while Beth only had water, and you ordered a slice of peach pie (a la mode, which is extra). The point is, if you go out to dinner with a group, be prepared to split the bill more or less evenly. If there's an outstanding cost differential, fine, estimate it and be done with it. The person who spends twenty minutes dividing the bill to the dime comes off as a cheapskate –- and kills the festive mood.

The Line-Up Lines are a fact of life. At the post office, the supermarket, just about everywhere these days. For starters, moaners who huff and gripe about standing in a line of three people for all of five minutes are tops on our list. Get over yourself -- if you don’t have a few minutes to wait to buy that loaf of bread, then pick it up another time. Another thing: Don’t show your impatience by creeping up so close to the person in front of you that they can feel your breath. Crowding those around you will not get you to the front any faster, so give them some space. Finally, cutting in line or trying to ignore the fact that there IS a line –- stop it! Everyone’s time is valuable.

The ME Show It’s great to hear all the crazy, wacky, wonderful things happening in the lives of others. Jobs, engagements, breakups, boyfriends, puppies, pregnancies, vacations — very good stuff, all of it. But once you’ve listened to a friend, family member, or colleague spout about their own fabulous life for an hour (or two), it’s normal to expect them to ask, “So, what’s going on with you?” Those who blab on about themselves while you listen intently, then don’t ask a thing about you in return are just plain rude.

Baby Biz Changing a poopy baby diaper around others is nasty -- and we're moms. Changing the other kind of baby diaper in public is one thing, but still should only be done when absolutely necessary!

Mobile Madness As much as we love the modern age, there are days when we long to go to a coffee shop, movie theatre, bookstore, or post office and not hear some teen queen dishing to her friend about last night's hot date with Todd or eavesdrop (unwillingly) on a screaming family feud. Mobile phones are essential, but please, people, pleeeeeeease, use a little restraint on the when's, what's, and where's. We're happy that Todd is "totally built" but we're going to have to start walking around town and slapping people with "TMI" tickets (yes, too much information).

Smokes Everyone has a right to smoke in public, but be conscious of whose face your smoke is blowing into. Are there kids nearby? And we just might kick the butt of the next person we see throwing their burning butt on the ground without putting it out. Really, find an ashtray or trashcan where you can extinguish and dispose of it properly -- that thing is garbage, not decoration for our streets and sidewalks.

The Pee & Flee Public bathrooms get used by everyone -- yup, they're public! So, making a mess of the toilet seat, and then prancing out without bothering to wipe it up -- not cool. Leaving a mess for the next visitor is completely unacceptable (and disgustingly unsanitary, of course). Take 10 seconds to rip off a piece of toilet paper, toilet seat cover, or a paper towel, and do your due diligence!

Stealing...a parking spot, that is. Yeah, you know who you are. If someone has their blinker on and is patiently waiting for a spot, it's theirs. And if you've already passed a spot up, it's gone. Treat others as you expect to be treated, and the parking goddesses will smile down upon you... eventually.

Belly Baring Men, women -- anyone who's passed puberty, everyone who isn't lounging poolside or oceanside -- resist the urge to bare those bellies. They may be beautiful, Buddha-like, jolly, but sometimes they can be flabby, hairy, and not ripe for public consumption. If you're jogging, fellas, t-shirts or tanks won't hurt your workout, so throw one on. Gals, midriff fashions are never really on our "Do" list, and that goes double if your age doesn't contain the word "teen." There are plenty of ways for all of us to flaunt what we got without sharing our tum-tums with the world.

Spitting This gets especially yucky when it's one of those enormous globs that looks like it could be alive. Some people (males, in particular) think it's kind of a cool-guy thing to do. We're here to tell ya that no one wants to see you hock a big gooey one out of your car, onto the sidewalk, or anywhere else for that matter. Try a tissue.

Honking Problem People who honk too often, too unnecessarily, or just to express their emotions are on our list of Most Etiquette Challenged. If you're trying to warn someone about a collision or problem, fine, otherwise it's not that serious. Give it a rest!

More interviews

Well I had about 3 last week and 3 scheduled this week. I ran into a friend from York County and she mentioned going to a very revolving door type place where I can get commission on non-profit telemarketing. Sounds alright for awhile. I also have an interview for some insurance company, but considering it's 24 7/365 I'd have any shift they decide to give me. I interview with Ulta tomorrow, as a make up artist. Well, no experience there, but since i've had experience so far and can't get a job maybe that'll be a blessing! I interviewed for a great position with the convention center here yesterdday and would be awesome for it, but I guess I'll have to wait that out.
Other than that, I have 2 guest bartending spots coming up in the next month. And i've decided what to be for halloween.

Things are looking down

I am having a completely terrible time finding a job. You would think with years of experience in some of the hippest (the word is kind of gross) retail stores, shops might give a shit to hire me. Well...then you would be wrong. I can't even get Urban to call me back even though i was there for like a year and a half.
But my quest to actually find a career job instead of some shitty place is not ending! I've officially tapped into my savings and realized spending $2000 during the month of August just on going out may not be my best options right now.
I've had about 2039482034 interviews a week. I've interviewed with Juicy Couture, have yet to hear back. I had a great opportunity with a corporation here doing event planning, but I suppose someone was better qualified than me because i haven't heard back from that either. I even emailed about a 'matchmaker' and 'trivia host' position. Well the trivia guy wanted $5000 up front so i decided not to do it.

it is dropping down to the 60s or 70s at this point, which is just too cold for me. but winter is like hibernation extreme. so i can definitely say i had an absolutely amazing and awesome summer. sami and dom have become very close friends to me and they are my champion drinking buddies for sure. it's weird that it's practically an iup reunion whenever i go out, but i've managed to meet a good base of people.
i have no plans to leave pittsburgh, which is the exact opposite of what i thought would happen when i moved here. but there's a good amount of things to do, a good amount of culture, and people that actually give a shit about you. But everyone's right in saying stylewise-pittsburgh is 10 years behind every other city